Submitted by AmericanPatriot1776
I read Carl Sagan’s Dance Party pretty regularly, but I have to complain that John Titor sets a bad example. He recently stopped using his old GE brand time-machine in favor of a Honda Paradox. This is an outrage! I had always looked up to Titor as an inspiration for my blind, burning patriotism.
However, the fact is that we’re falling too far behind the rest of the world as far as time travel technology is concerned. Just the other day I was watching CNN and they did a story on the progress the Japanese have made in the field. They already have perfected the ionic generators for producing the space-time warp tunnels. They have even harnessed zero point energy to power the hydraulic pressure chambers. Why is it then that we, the United States of Freakin’ A, still rely upon coal powered time machines? Sure, we all know someone who can afford one of the GM Flux models. They harness zero-point energy, but they are far too expensive. I think the government should be spending it’s time and energy helping out the AMERICAN time travel industry rather than wasting it on healthcare.
Of course, we still lead the world in some aspects of time travel. For example, we are the leading exporter of dylipsion crystal stabilizers for the Ford 2009 time machines. But what we have in quantity, we lack in quality. Why is it that consumer reports rated American dylipsion crystal stabilizers made by Hourglass Incorporated as fourth throughout the world in quality. Oftentimes the stabilizers will even shatter in mid-time conversion resulting in painful injuries. I don’t want to worry about that as I go back to kill my great, great, great grandfather and create a paradox as I do every Tuesday.
Let us try to reclaim the golden age of time travel. I remember in the 50’s, there were some great radian light converters, not like the Japanese models we use now that experience flux velocity impact often during the first time-warp generation. This is not an impossible dream. An American professor at Harvard, Dr. Harvey Donagan has recently unveiled his new radian light converter model. He then went 50 years into the future right as the newest soylent was being released to the public and yelled, “Soylent green is people!” That guy sure knows how to have fun. Anyway, this newer model is more compact and efficient than even the Hourglass Incorporated’s 450 Model. If we could have this kind of innovation in all of the industry, then perhaps we could reclaim our spot as the #1 Time Machine manufacturer.
Maybe I’m over-reacting about all of this. It’s probably because Toyota released the new S-6 Model with a newer more efficient perpetual motion machine. That thing generates an infinite amount of energy with no pollution. I just wish I could feel that kind of pride about my nation.
Some people might say that discussing the time travel industry is “a waste of time,” “completely pointless,” or “unbelievably insane.” But I say to these people: “Isn’t this what America was founded for? If this nation isn’t about discussing the shortcomings of an industry that doesn’t even exist, then what is it about?” Besides, anything I could say about anything else wouldn’t make any difference because the entire world is under the control of the Freemasons and the Illuminati anyway.
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